A bit O Humor

Build your own parish junior team....

Goalie - must have 'great goalmouth presence'.... which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.Right corner back - the quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage.Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday morning. Full back - First started playing football some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2". Will get a nose-bleed if he passes beyond his own 50 yard line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood. Left corner back - Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end.An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team's young and absurdly fast superstar in the making. Right half back - just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not going to give you a game". Centre back - disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at agm and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team. Left half back - county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club.About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the kickouts and 'take the game to the opposition'... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger. midfielder - chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round in at the post-match piss-up. midfielder - the full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something.Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary. Right half forward - quietly-spoken business-man who hails from the village but is living in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in the town don't know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying bollox in national school". Centre forward - third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them. Probably the local A.I. man or something... by the way that's not the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word. Left half forward - utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is basically the team's only source of points. Right corner forward - happily married man who hasn't played football since he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent (like his genitalia) completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly.Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous nickname like "Schillaci" or something. Full forward - hasn't scored since the end of the war but is captain of the team and an all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the target is "he's a good man to bust up the play." Doesn't feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood... not his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition. Only at junior B will the full-forward and full-back play the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever.

Left corner forward - the village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring and a seriously dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of the throw in. Plays the foreign game with the town five miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry. Has had a running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the virtue of his youngest daughter.

Famous GAA Quotes

"You should be so close to the Corner Forward that when he goes to scratch his arse tis your arse hes scratching" - Christy 'Cra' Murray Sixmilebridge

"I love Cork so much that if I caught one of their hurlers in bed
with my missus, I'd tiptoe downstairs and make him a cup of tea"
Joe Lynch (Actor)

"We've won one All-Ireland in a row"
Wexford Fan in 1996

"The toughest match I ever heard of was the 1935 All-Ireland Semi-Final. After 6 minutes, the ball ricocheted off a post and went into the stand. The pulling continued relentlessly and it was 22 minutes before any of the players noticed the ball was missing"
Michael Smith

"Sylvie Linnane would start a riot in a graveyard"
Tipp fan on the Galway legend

"I'm not giving away any secrets like that to Tipperary. If I had my way, I wouldn't even tell them the time of the throw-in"
Ger Loughnane

"He's like Lazarus; but Lazarus didn't have such a sweet right boot"
Micheal O'Muircheartaigh on Colin Corkery

"Whenever a team loses, there's always a row at half time but when they win, it's an inspirational speech"
John O'Mahony

"There are 2 things in Ireland that would drive you to drink. GAA referees would drive you to drink, and the price of drink would drive you to drink"
Sligo Fan after 2002 Connacht Final

"The wheel fell off my mobile home"
Offaly's Eugene McGee explains why he was late for training

"When my friends were besotted with Jason Donovan, my heroes were Colm O'Rourke and Barney Rock"
Sue Ramsbottom (Laois Ladies Captain)

"We're taking this match awful seriously. We're training three times a week now, and some of the boys are off the beer since Tuesday"
Offaly hurler quote in the week before a Leinster
hurling final vs. Kilkenny

'Ger Loughnane was fair, he treated us all the same during training-like dogs'
Anonymous Clare hurler

'Any chance of an autograph? Its for the wife....she really hates you'
Tipp fan to Ger Loughnane

'You can't win derbies with donkeys'
Babs Keating before Tipp played Cork in 1990

'Sheep in a heap'
Babs Keating description of Offaly in 1998

'Babs Keating 'resigned' as coach because of illness and fatigue. The players were sick and tired of him'
Offaly fan in 1998

'And as for you. You're not even good enough to play for this shower of useless no-hopers'
Former Clare mentor to one of his subs after a heavy defeat

'Babs Keating was arrested in Nenagh for shaking a cigarette machine, but the gardai let him off when he said he only wanted to borrow twenty players'
Waterford fan after 2002 Munster final

'They have a forward line that couldn't punch holes in a paper bag'
Pat Spillane on the Cavan football team

'Meath players like to get their retaliation in first'
Cork fan 1988

'Meath make football a colourful game - you get all black and blue'
Another Cork fan 1988

'Colin Corkery is deceptive. He is slower than he looks'
Kerry fan

'Life isn't all beer and football...some of us haven't touched a football in months'
Kerry player during league campaign 1980s

Roscommon fan after the controversial 1980 All-Ireland final:
Hi ref, how's your dog?
Ref: What do you mean? I don't have a dog.
Fan: That's strange. You're the first blind man I've ever met that doesn't have a guide dog!

I used to think it was great being a wee nippy corner forward, but it's better now being a big, fat one. Ollie Murphy

They shot the wrong Micheal Collins - Ollie Murphy to referee Micheal Collins after Donegal beat Meath in last year's championship.

He'll regret this to his dying day, if he lives that long. - Dublin fan after Charlie Redmond missed a penalty in the 1994 All-Ireland final.

Now listen lads, I'm not happy with our tackling. We're hurting them but they keep getting up. - John B.Keane ventures into coaching

Behind every Galway player there is another Galway player. - Meath fan at the 2001 All-Ireland final.

When Joe Brolly is winning, he's objectionable. When he's blowing kisses, he's highly objectionable. - Cavan fan

He wouldn't see a foul in a henhouse. Frustrated Sligo fan's judgment of the ref after the 2002 Connacht final.

There are two things in Ireland that would drive you to drink. GAA referees would drive you to drink and the price of drink would drive you to drink. Another Sligo fan at the same match.

You get more contact in an old-time waltz at the old-folks' home than in a National League final. - Pat Spillane

Davey Forde wouldn't be a free-taker if you boiled him in a pot - TOM RYAN after the 1999 Munser Final where Forde missed a tap-over free with 5 minutes to go.

'We're taking this match awful seriously. We're training three times a week now, and some of the boys are off the beer since Tuesday' - typical Offaly hurler quote in the week before an All-Ireland final

Football is a game for those not good enough to play hurling.TONY WALL.

Hurling is the Riverdance of sport. LIAM GRIFFEN

Ger Loughnane was fair, he treated us all the same during training-like dogs.ANONYMOUS CLARE HURLER.

Any chance of an autograph. Its for the wife. She really hates you. TIPP FAN

I'm not giving away any secrets like that to Tipp. If I had my way, I
wouldn't even tell them the time of the throw-in. GER LOUGHNANE on his controversial selection policy.

I say nothing but i never stop talking. GER LOUGHNANE on his media interviews.

The GAA is an amateur association run by professionals. The FAI is a professional body run by amateurs. FAN DURING THE ROY KEANE SAGA

Pat fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now...but here comes Joe rabitte hot on his tail...Ive seen it all now: a rabbit chasing a fox around croke park. MICHAEL O MUIRCHEARTAIGH

You cant win derbies with donkeys. BABS KEATING BEFORE TIPP PLAYED CORK IN

Sheep in a heap. BABS KEATING description of Offaly in 1998.

Babs keating 'resigned' as coach because of illness and fatigue. The players were sick and tired of him. OFFALY FAN IN 1998.

And as for you. You're not even good enough to play for this shower of useless no-hopers.FORMER CLARE MENTOR TO 1 OF HIS SUBS AFTER A HEAVY DEFEAT.

Babs keating was arrested in Nenagh for shaking a cigarette machine, but the gardai let him off when he said he only wanted to borrow twenty players. WATERFORD FAN AFTER 2002 MUNSTER FINAL

They have a forward line that couldn't punch holes in a paper bag.

The first half was even, the second half was even worse. - Pat Spillane reflects on an Ulster Championship clash.

Meath players like to get their retaliation in first. - Cork fan in 1988.

Meath make football a colorful game - you get all black and blue. -
Another Cork fan.

We're taking you off but we're not bothering to put on a sub. Just having you off will improve our situation. - Manager to a club player in Derry.

I warned the boys they couldn't go through the league unbeaten, and, unfortunately, they appear to have listened to me! - Tyrone's Art McRory after losing a league match.

(Reporter interviews Kevin Moran on TV after the 1978 All-Ireland final)
Reporter: How's the leg Kevin?
Kevin Moran: It's fuc..... it's very sore.

He's as useless as a back pocket in a vest. - Kerry fan on Colin Corkery.

Colin Corkery is deceptive. He's slower than he looks. - Kerry fan

I think Mickey Whelan believes tactics are a new kind of piles on your arse. - Disgruntled Dublin fan

Q: What's the difference between Paddy Cullen and a turnstile?
A: A turnstile only lets in one at a time. - Kerry fan after Cullen conceded five goals in the 1978 All-Ireland final.

The rules of Meath football are basically simple: if it moves, kick it; if it doesn't move, kick it until it does. - Tyrone fan after a controversial All-Ireland semi-final.

A Kerry footballer with an inferiority complex is one who thinks he's just as good as everybody else. - John B. Keane

Life isn't all beer and football: some of us haven't touched a football in months. - A Kerry player during the league in the early 1980's.


101 Reasons Why The GAA Is Better Than Soccer.

1. No soccer player can say this quote ever..."It's definitely, probably the, one of the greatest days in Aherlow, in GAA circumstances."

2. Fitzgerald Stadium Killarney on a sunny day is one of the loveliest sights in sport.

3. Bribery scandals.

4. Because the championship has always been the Championship. The League of Ireland has had more new improved formulas than most washing powders. Indeed it's not even the LOI anymore.

5. Because by and large GAA heroes don't turn into villains overnight. One week this column would have happily borne Eric Cantona's children. The next week Eric was playing with Manchester United and this column wouldn't give him the time of day. Same old Eric both weeks though.

6. Most GAA players lead fuller lives than your average pro soccer player, thus they have more to talk about and fewer clichés to use.

7. The PA announcer at Landsdowne Road soccer internationals need to be shot. We hate the Mexican wave.

8. Bohs never in anything anymore.

9. The offside rule can be really tedious.

10. Andy Gray.

11. Jimmy Hill.

12. Micheal O'Murchearaigh.

13. No GAA team would ever wear a strip as vile as Chelsea's away strip last season (1994 - 1995).

14. Nobody sings "you'll never beat the Irish" at GAA games.

15. When Jurgen Klingsmann did his witty diving celebration at the start of the English season every lame brain in the game did the same thing for three months. Why?

16. Since Dalymount decayed, professional Irish soccer has no place to call home despite two World Cups and a Euro Championship.

17. RTE would never foist Brendan O'Carroll on the GAA viewership.

18. There is no piece of sporting equipment available anywhere that is as lovely as a well crafted hurley.

19. Vinnie Jones would bawl like a baby if he ever came up against Brian Mullens (Brian McGilligain, Brian Corcoran..) And that's just three Brians that spring to mind.

20. If something goes wrong the GAA always comes up with some excuse. "The crowd arrived too early" "The cat was sick" In soccer nobody is ever to blame. Rioting in Landsdowne Road can be put down to what insurers call an act of God.

21. The GAA may not appreciate its women as much as it should but at least we all know who Angela Downey is. The most famous woman in English soccer is Dani Behr.

22. It's hard to feel passionate about any sport that John Major feels passionate about. Plus David Mellor never made love to anyone while wearing a GAA jersey.

23. "Clash of the Ash" was a lovely film about hurling. "Escape to Victory" was a soccer film with Pele and Sly Stallone in it.

24. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

25. Spivs. Who asked DISC to ask Wimbledon to move to Dublin anyway.

26. People working for Irish soccer clubs who double as scouts for English clubs. Some mistake surely.

27. No soccer manager was ever as warm and as entertaining as Eamon Coleman.

28. No segregation at GAA matches.

29. No naff furry hats on men who should know better at soccer matches.

30. No naff jewellery on men who should know better at GAA matches.

31. There were 15,154 fans at Irelands last home World Cup game pre Jack Charlton. Now you couldn't squeeze all the "real" fans into the Maracana with a shoehorn.

32. The GAA player who performs in front of 70,000 at the weekend will be teaching your kids on Monday or he'll be selling you meat or fixing your drains or representing you in court. The soccer player who performs in front of 70,000 fans at the weekend will be moaning about too many games and trying to sell you his personalised brand of leisure wear.

33. GAA players don't sell stories to the Sun.

34. GAA players don't have stories that the Sun would like to buy.

35. Bungs.

36. Backpasses.

37. Barry Venison's dress sense.

38. Jack Walker can buy a league title. You can't buy an All-Ireland.

39. Penalty shootouts. What was wrong with the old interminable FA cup replay sagas eg Leeds and Ipswitch 1975. Heartbreaking but memorable.

40. Jack Boothman doesn't care if America doesn't like GAA. Joao Havelange loses sleep over it.

41. Nobody ever proposed making GAA goals bigger. Not even Charlie Redmond.

42. GAA nicknames are better: Sambo Hunter, Fat Larry, Babs, Bingo and so on. Soccer players just add a Y to each others surnames.

43. The Munster Hurling Final.

44. The Munster Football Final.

45. Dublin vs Meath is a real local derby. What does Liverpool vs Everton mean to Jan Molby or Daniel Amokachi.

46. You always remember what county your Irish teacher came from.

47. We care so much about the weaker GAA counties that we sensitively refer to them as the "so called weaker counties". English soccer just makes the premier league smaller.

48. How many soccer players does it take to change a light bulb? Eleven. One to stick it in. ten to hug and kiss him afterwards.

49. Why can nobody agree on the size of the crowd at domestic soccer games.

50. Under age players get to be part of the biggest days in hurling and football. The Irish U21 team are sadly neglected. The "real' fan seldom turn up to see them.

51. Soccer players go to Rumours. GAA players go to the pub.

52. If a GAA player ever jumped at a spectator like Eric Cantona did the rest of his team would join in. So would the rest of the crowd.

53. You can't play a defensive game of football or hurling.

54. Razzmatazz. OK the Artane Boys band may be boring but why does it take Sky 3 hours to show a 90 minute soccer game.

55. Soccer players always describe the game they have just played in the same guarded way. There is nothing like a GAA player cutting loose "He ate the shite out of us" said an Offaly player of Eamon Cregans half time speech in last years All Ireland.

56. The championship means summer. The FA (or FAI) Cup means winter.

57. DJ Carey in full flight.

58. Barry Fry, Ken Bates, Ron Noades, Robert Chase. Take your pick.

59. Television runs soccer. Schoolteachers run the GAA.

60. Vinnie Jones grabbed Gascoignes testicles. Paudie O'Se decked Joe McNally during the National Anthem. McNally learnt his lesson. Gascoigne just got worse.

61. Joe Brolly in full flight, on the field or off it.

62. Jimmy Barry Murphy was the coolest skinhead ever to grace a playing field.

63. There's nothing like seeing the bonfires blazing when a winning team reaches it's home borders.

64. The GAA season always leaves you wanting more. The soccer season leaves soccer people demanding less. Fewer games please.

65. Three points for a win is a distortion of the games natural balance.

66. "Soccer isn't a matter of life and death, it's much more important than that" isn't such a witty thing to have said.

67. The GAA is just a part of life and death.

68. Gaelic Games is harder to play. Niall Quinn and Kevin Moran got out and went to soccer. You never see anyone coming the other direction.

69. GAA players run faster, hit harder and last longer. Nobody acts like a grenade just went off if they get tripped.

70. Soccer is so subtle that Wimbledon can win the FA cup.

71. There's no one quite so bitter as a soccer bigot.

72. They think Ryan Giggs is the new George Best. Sure sign of decline.

73. GAA teams are numbered one to fifteen, soccer teams read like the national lottery results.

74. All soccer players wear shinguards. Some hurling players even wear helmets.

75. Ever penny we put into soccer stays at the top. Most of what we spend on GAA trickles down.

76. The GAA is about where you're from. Soccer is mainly about who you like.

77. A scoreless draw in GAA would be quite a novelty.

78. The GAA offer a journalist the chance to travel to Kerry regularly.

79. The GAA won't sell us all out by starting a European SuperLeague.

80. Under 13,000 fans attended the FAI Cup final. "Real" fans would rather watch Wimbledon play AN other at a new characterless stadium built by suits for suits.

81. Old soccer players get testimonials, Old GAA players just slip down to junior. Dog rough it is too.

82. Bubble perms never made it to Croke Park.

83. Throw ins set the adrenalin pumping faster than tip offs.

84. GAA fans never have time for the Mexican wave.

85. Rupert Murdoch doesn't own the GAA.

86. Ghosted soccer biographies.

87. All of soccer works to filter the best players to the top teams. GAA sides always get to keep their heroes.

88. Dual players still carry a certain romantic cachet.

89. The Dergvate, Gay Priors pub, Tommy Tubridy's, The Bradog, The Drovers, MacGleogans, The Pound Bar, Mc Sweeney's.

90. No soccer team has a name quite as lovely as that belonging to Fighting Cocks of Carlow.

91. Danny Lynch. The thinking person's PR man.

92. The InterToto Cup. The ZDS Date Cup, The Simod Trophy.

93. Guinness ISN'T inscribed in large letters on the Liam McCarthy Cup. Carling IS inscribed in large letters on the Premier league trophy.

94. Doubling on an overhead sliotar is a more beautiful thing than volleying a soccer ball.

95. Roy of the Rovers was a prat.

96. GAA goalposts cast nicer shadows on summer evenings.

97. There are always two men in white coats behind each goal at GAA games. Very wise.

98. The new Cusack stand. We call it space age.

99. Sideline cuts, high catches, summer schools to define the tackle.

100. The Kerry 4 in row teams.

101. The Championship is here again.